Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Precious.

My life has become the most boring thing and I hate it.. I never do anything. Ever. I stay at home and clean, and change diapers, and get crawled all over. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I had the energy, but I don't. I hate my body and it hates me. It refuses to sleep, and then once it gives into that, it refuses to wake. While awake, it is still halfway asleep.

I don't think anyone understands my lack of energy. Its like a sickness honestly. Its like I have to beg myself to get up the motivation to do the things that I really want to do. I don't know how many times I've said to myself I would take Lorelei to the park, thats just across the street I should add.. It never happens, and I feel like such a horrible mother for it. I just know if we go she will run and go wild and I don't have the energy to chase her and run with her. I don't even have the energy to walk up my stairs and go to bed right now..

I'm always home. In my house. Inside. I have no friends here.. Well I have a couple of people I like. But they're moving. Not many people have time to hang out, but I wouldn't have the money to anyways.. And even if I did, I don't feel like I'm interesting enough to hold anyone's attention. Plus I feel like the ones who don't have kids aren't going to want to hang out with a kid, and the ones with kids will be too busy with their own kids, as I will be with mine..

In my head I know all the solutions to all of my problems. I'm sure if I took my thyroid meds on a regular basis that would help.. I'm sure if I went and saw a doctor about depression that would help too. I'm sure if I took the melatonin early on at night I would be asleep by 11 and I might would wake up earlier without having my daughter scream at me.. I bet if I slept better I may have that extra ounce of energy to work out. I bet if I had more energy I might would be more motivated to cook and eat healthier.. and I bet if I did all of that I would lose some weight and be happier. I'm sure being overweight is causing 99% of the problem. Not sure if the weight is to blame for the thyroid, but if it is then lets just change it to 100%.

I know for a fact that if I just ate better and worked out just once a week I would feel better. I've done it before and I saw the difference.. Why did I quit?

One time I ate really well for like a week straight. I didn't have any soda or fatty/fried foods.. Then for lunch one Sunday we went to Cracker Barrel for the Sunday special, which is a southern style chicken (basically battered fried chicken - 2 huge pieces) I decided to only eat one because the calorie count for two was beyond insane. I can't remember if I had tea or coke, but I know it wasn't water.. I can't remember my sides either, but heck, none of their sides are too healthy..

After lunch we went to Sam's for some shopping. After walking around for a few minutes I started to feel sick. I don't know how to describe it. I started sweating and I felt like I was just sweating out grease. I also started to feel famished (did I use that word correctly?) I went straight to the snack bar at Sam's and got the biggest cup they had available and filled it with water. It was amazing that after drinking the water I felt better.. I just needed some help getting that junk through my system.

As horrible as that experience was I was proud that day. I had ate well enough that my body was rejecting crap food. Usually I had so much that my body didn't even notice, but that day it noticed! Its been about a year since then though and I haven't been able to stick to it since then..

Here's my problem.. I'm not the best cook.. I've figured out some unhealthy stuff, but I always seem to mess up the good stuff.. Also, why does the salad at home never taste as fresh and crispy as the stuff at the restaurants? I love salads when we eat out. Gosh, I could eat a Caesar Zalad (note the Z) every day.. But at home its just not that good. Its all limp and soggy.. Just not that nice crisp lettuce I know and love. I've done everything I could think.. I gently rinse the lettuce, then I pat it dry with a towel.. It just doesn't work.. It is sometimes good in those kit bags if you get it on the right day, but after that day its over.. and honestly I just can't go to the store every day to get a bag of overpriced salad... but come to think of it, its still cheaper than those amazing Zalads..

Eating out use to be a problem, but we rarely do it anymore. We just can't afford it.. Thats another one of our problems.. We are always broke and its so depressing. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I have a plan for it all.. Within the next 6-12 months I have a plan to get our most expensive bill paid off, use that extra money to pay off other bills, and then start saving..

Example - The bills are $550, $140, $90, $75, and $50..
By April, with the help of our tax return I plan to have the bill that the $550 is attached to paid off..
With that extra $550 a month, I plan to put part of it towards the $140, so instead of paying the minimum of $140, we would pay $200.. That will get that paid off faster.. The $90 will be close to being paid off so extra will also go to it..
Once that is paid off, the extra will go to the others until they are all paid off and we can just keep the extra for savings and up our grocery budget some so I don't have to be the cheapest woman at the grocery store.. Oh I will use the extra to buy coupons though! I enjoy coupons too much and I just can't afford them right now (how depressing is it when you are too broke to buy coupons)

Speaking of the grocery store.. I think I may have finally found a system that works while planning and shopping.. I usually run around the store like a mad woman.. By the time I'm done I have walked around the store I'm sure 10 times because I always forget something on the other side.. This time I figured out what I was going to make for the week, then wrote the list.. I divided the list in different sections, such as veggies and fruits, milk and dairy, meat, cleaning and household, canned/boxed/other.. I figured out if I put all the stuff at the same area in a list together I would complete one section at a time. This time I didn't pick up 2 veggies, then go to the milk, and then realize I need the bread which is by the veggies, and then back over for cheese... I know it seems obvious and I have always tried to shop in a way that made sense, but actually writing down my list like this made it so much easier. It is definitely something I'm going to do from now on..

Oh and so this post isn't a complete downer, I have been making all A's in college. It is the one productive thing that I feel I have been doing lately. Just the other day I was think about all of these people I went to school with and how they're out of college now making their own life for themself. I decided to get married, then have a kid.. I just stay at home all day like a hermit and play Call of Duty.. I won't have that degree like they do and won't ever be able to get a "real job" if I need to.. But then I realized "Wait, I do go to school.. I will have a degree.. and after my homeschool kid beats their public school kid.. well I don't know what I will do, but I'm sure my kid will be smarter!" Honestly, sometimes I completely forget I'm taking online courses. Its just so easy so far. I just spend a couple of hours on it a week and I'm done.. I think if it weren't for taking these classes my brain wouldn't have any real thing to focus on ever..

Oh and I pray for cool weather soon so these gnats will DIE and I can tolerate being outside soon!! Curse those gnats and mosquitos.

I noticed it seemed like I was being negative about having a baby. Please don't take that the wrong way. She is the best thing that has ever happened. Today she has thrown chicken on the floor before I had a chance to serve it, and I've been on my hands and knees twice today sweeping up quinoa and rice.. I've also had my the lens broken after she pulled it off the counter.. Thankfully only the $7 protective piece broke.. If it had been my $600 camera I think I would have went into hiding for a few months.. She's 2 and her mind is just going and seeing what it can discover. I'm just having a hard time keeping up some days, and today was one of those days. I cleaned it up though and everything is fine. I'm actually going to go up there right now and rock her.. because I'm one of those mom's who takes their sleeping child out of bed and just rocks them because that is the only time she is quiet and still and its so precious.

1 comment:

  1. i feel the exact same way. every single day. at least you're in school & you have enough patience to homeschool. As much as I love Autumn I get so incredibly frustrated with her. I don't know how to make it fun.. I don't know how to schedule anything. So, she pretty much watches TV all day untill I turn it off for play time/eating/cleaning/bath/bed/going out.
    But dear, you are a beautiful wonderful woman. You and I both can be so hard on ourselves. Because we are our own worst critic. Just be. Be yourself. Take pride in the wonderful person you are. You are smart & you are so kind. You can do anything you put your mind to!

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