Friday, October 12, 2012

I finally admit it..

I'm going to be completely honest, and this is hard to say, but I'm depressed... I've never let it get to me before, but it finally is. Its so weird because all the times in my life when things were going bad I was able to get through it. Somewhat easily actually. Now things aren't so bad. Honestly, the only thing that isn't good is money, but its only temporary.. But still, its getting to me. To the point that I have gone to the doctor.. I'm on meds.. I go to therapy..

I'm the type of person who hates taking medicine. But now I take something when I wake up so that I have the energy to make it through the day.. 6 hours later I take something for depression.. and then at night I take something else to make myself fall asleep. Literally if I don't take the meds at night I am up for hours.. Its the only one I really don't mind taking. Its an all natural one so no addictions or anything..

I just don't like living feeling like I depend on something. I don't want to live on these medications. I just want to go on living my life. But right now they are making it possible. I have hypothyroidism. Without the meds in the morning I am a zombie. I don't know how to explain it so that people who haven't experienced it would understand. Just imagine your energy level being at about 1 at its best. Just walking across the room is like a sprint.. Not physically.. Its not tiring in a physical way, more mentally tiring. Just so mentally tiring, but not sleepy..

I have made some lifestyle changes along with the meds though. I've made sure that I take the sleep meds so that I'm sleeping by around 11.. That is early for me.. Without them I am wide awake (with no energy) until around 4am.. Since I now go to sleep earlier I wake up earlier. This is going to sound horrible to say as a mother, but I have never woken up early. Lorelei has slept until around 10 so I always have just slept late with her.. I did it before she was born, except when I had a job. I mean really who said babies HAVE to wake up at like 7am?

Well turns out you can do a lot if you wake up early. I try to wake up by 8:30. I've created a morning routine for myself. I wake up, get dressed.. like fully.. with a bra and everything. I was surprised how put together this made me feel.. I then brush my teeth and do my hair.. shower when needed, because honestly I don't do it every single day since I don't leave the house, more like every other day. I then make my bed! INSANE! Who would have thought I would make my bed? Well I do now. I don't do it all the way, but I straighten out the sheets and turn them down. Something about it is so nice to look at, and it also feels really good that night getting back into a nice made bed.. Then I go through the house and open the blinds to let the sunlight in. This is the best part. At this point in my morning routine I usually take my meds, get some hot tea and sit down to make a list of what I need to do that day because I love lists..

I really feel like I have accomplished a lot. I've been working on it for three weeks now and I've kept my laundry done.. My house has stayed cleaner than it ever has since I've had a baby.. I'm still depressed, but at least that part of my life is better.. my home stuff..

Honestly I just need some purpose, but I feel like we are just holding our breath until we can pay off some debt before anything can happen. It is so frustrating to just sit and think "oh and can do all these great things, but we'll have to wait about 5 months before anything can happen" And I hate that it always comes back to money.. My life does not revolve around money, but it does seem to hold me back..

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