Tuesday, November 6, 2012


I feel like I'm failing again. I had gotten on such a great routine, and then we went out of town and now I feel like I have to start all over. My house was so clean and I felt so good. I've found that I really thrive on a routine. I feel better about myself. I sleep better, I get more done.

Right now I just pray things get done. There is no structure. I need structure. It sounds like something you would say about a child, but I need some structure and routine in my life.

I have a busy week and I can just imagine that nothing else will get done. Its an accomplishment that I even loaded the dishwasher today. I have a nutritionist appointment tomorrow, therapist Wednesday, Ball on Thursday.

Oh, and the Ball.. One thing I am looking forward to. Except then I realize we are broke. I am wearing the same dress I wore last year. Same shoes. I may find some old jewelry to wear, if any. I can't find my wedding ring. I've been trying to do my nails, but I'm failing at that. I guess I can do my make up last minute. I'm going to look for hair ideas on pinterest, but I'll probably just wear it down, because I'll probably fail at that like my nails...

I know I'm such a broken record, and I know they say money can't buy you happiness, but whoever said all of this has obviously never been broke. I am sure it can't buy me happiness, but not being broke sure as heck would keep me from being stressed. Lack of money makes me unhappy. Not because I can't buy things, but because I am constantly worrying about bills and such. Money can buy you peace of mind. Thats all I want. To not have to check my bank account to make sure I won't overdraft when I want to buy some effing milk. And I would like to not have to feel like I have to ration out my milk until the next paycheck. I would like to be able to just buy whatever kind of cereal I want and eat as much of it without having to worry about running out. And if I do run out it would be nice to not have to worry, it would be nice to just be able to go to the store and get some more.

I know I have a plan to get out of this debt and I know we will be doing better eventually, but 3 months feels like a long time.

Let me talk about something else now. Tomorrow I go to visit a nutritionist. I am going because my insurance is requiring 3 months of visits and check-ups with my doctor. After all of that, assuming all of my old medical records come back good, which I'm sure they will, I will be having a surgery. I've done a lot of research. I've talked to my doctors, my family, others who've had this done... I don't believe in weight loss surgery. I don't believe in people cutting their stomach and tying it in half, or however that works. My doctor suggested this a while back, and then once I got a new doctor she also suggested it and I just refused to listen. She even sent me a referral to the surgeon and I threw it away. Over a year later the subject got brought up again and I am more open to hearing it now. The surgery I will be going in for is pretty non-invasive. There are very tiny holes they use to go in, there is no cutting of the stomach or any other organs, and in the end if I don't feel it works or if there are any problems it can be removed. It isn't a quick fix, it is more like a tool to help me. After all these years I have decided I need this tool because I don't think I can do it on my own.

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